she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
