he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
