dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
