I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
God I need to hump something, right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
