From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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