Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
