btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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