It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
