College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
