hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You did what with his pubic hair?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
