I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
