i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
