I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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