I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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