hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
