Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
