He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
