someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
