Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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