Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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