Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
