My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
