How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
last night I used snow as a chaser
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