do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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