Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
