I love how my cats smell like pot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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