I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
