Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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