Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
