His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is Oprah even human
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
