Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
