Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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