you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
