mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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