I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
