Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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