Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
