So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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