you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
