i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
