i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
