Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
