dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
