In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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