She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I had to cum in my sink.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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