why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
