so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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