sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
