im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
