pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
