Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
