I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
